By Aaron Knapp, Lorain Daily Staff Writer
LORAIN, OH – In a move that has left residents both bewildered and begrudgingly amused, the City of Lorain has officially declared its infamous potholes as historic landmarks. Citing their “unique geological formations and historical significance,” the Lorain Pothole Preservation Society, in partnership with the city council, announced the designation this morning. “These potholes are a testament to Lorain’s rich history,” declared Bartholomew “Barty” Butterfield, a self-proclaimed “pothole enthusiast” and spokesperson for the Lorain Pothole Preservation Society. “They represent a tangible connection to our city’s past, a rugged landscape carved by years of harsh winters and unwavering neglect.”
Plaques and “Pothole Sightseeing Tours”
The landmark designation comes with a series of ambitious plans. Each pothole, now considered a “historic site,” will receive a commemorative plaque, meticulously detailing its “age, depth, and unique geological characteristics.” City officials have also announced the launch of “pothole sightseeing tours,” offering tourists the opportunity to experience Lorain’s “natural wonders” firsthand. These tours will utilize specially modified off-road vehicles, equipped with “pothole depth gauges” and “historical narration systems.” “We believe this will attract a new wave of tourism to Lorain,” stated a city spokesperson, “and showcase our city’s unique charm.”
“A Symphony of Asphaltic Depressions” – Local Reactions Vary Wildly
Adding to the artistic flair, the Lorain Arts Council has commissioned local artists to create “pothole-inspired sculptures” for public display. These sculptures, crafted from recycled asphalt and road debris, will celebrate the “beauty and resilience” of Lorain’s potholes. However, not all residents are thrilled with the designation. “This is ridiculous,” exclaimed local resident Agnes “Aggie” Grumbleton. “I nearly lost my hubcap in one of those ‘historic sites’ yesterday. Instead of celebrating them, they should be fixing them!”
“We believe these potholes are not merely road imperfections, but a symphony of asphaltic depressions, each note a testament to the enduring spirit of Lorain!” – Bartholomew “Barty” Butterfield
Despite the mixed reactions, the Lorain Pothole Preservation Society remains optimistic. “We understand that some residents may have reservations,” said Butterfield. “But we believe that with time, they will come to appreciate the historical and cultural significance of our potholes. After all, where else can you find such a diverse collection of craters?” The city has announced that the “Pothole Preservation Week,” a week-long celebration of Lorain’s potholes, will take place in July, featuring “pothole beauty contests” and “pothole poetry slams.”